The envioroment was surely dark and gloomy, as expected after the loss of a pacient many would say, maybe even gloomier as the patient couldn't be older than 10 years old.
Everyone was serious, some of the doctors were close to tears even, but not her, not the head doctor that Sakurai was. She was focusing on her phone, completely ignoring everything surrounding her, from her superior explaining next day's schedule, to the youngest doctor, Shikota who was tearing up in front of her.
"Sakurai" Doctor Ueno called, making her look up.
"Sorry I was on my phone, what?" She said simply, completely aware of all the rest of doctors staring at her in disbelieve.
"Tomorrow's schedule" he said pointng at the board.
"Ugh, sensei, put me whatever you want, you know I'm free tomorrow" The young doctor said stretching her muscles on the chair.
"How can you be like that?" Shikota said, basically in a whisper, looking at his superior, also in disbelieve. She simply looked at him.
"Huh?" She said. "Would you want to work more hours than needed or what?" She said, completely missing the point of his statement.
"A kid just died....she...she hold into my t-shirt and....she's dead, she died not even 30 minutes ago" Shikota said, this time raising his voice a little.
She simply breathed out and stood up from her place on the table "People die all the time" she said simply as she was walking away of the room.
"How can you be so heartless" Shikoka said, as everyone else was also whispering, all while Ueno just stared at the situation.
"Heartless?" She asked, turning away on her heels. "I'm heartless? Because I'm not sobbing like a baby who lost his parents....I'm heartless?" She asked walking to where the table of Shikota was and smirked to herself. "Shikota" she stared at him as he was looking at her with anger in his eyes. "You're a doctor, just like me....If you don't wake up everyday ready to see your patients die, maybe you're simply in the wrong profession. As I said, people die, that's just the way it is. If you can't pull through that....change professions" Sakurai said slowly and walked out of the room, with Ueno breathing out as everyone was dead silent on the room.
(space)
Time seemed to have passed so fast but in fact, just an hour had passed after Shikota saw that little girl breath for the last time in front of her. He was walking around the Hospital halls just when he happened to cross paths with Sakurai and Ueno speaking, as soon as he saw them he hide in the nearest wall in case they saw him.
"Don't you think that was a bit harsh?" Ueno asked, with his arms crossed just as Sakurai layed against a wall with a coffee on her hand, Shikota couldn't understand or stand her at all.
"harsh?" She asked "I just stated the truth, sensei"
"There are several ways of doing that....that wasn't the kind one" Ueno said, simply as she stared at him defying, something he seemed to be used to.
"So I need to be kind now?" She laughed "Look, I did him a favor, alright? He's still young, if he can't handle death he shouldn't be a doctor."
"Are you trying to tell me you're looking out for him?"
"No....what I'm saying it's that we need capable people. Imagine if it was a worst scenario, imagine if it depended on him to save that kid....she'd be dead and we'll have to deal with the guilt of a newbiew kid that probably got into medicine because seemed cooler than law....we need people that can handle death sensei, the kids that come in here deserve that"
If something was obvious was that Shikota couldn't stand Sakurai, that much he knew. She was heartless and didn't seemed to care much about any of the kids getting in PICU, she just saw them as work, not human beings, not losses to someone....or so he thought, as few hours later, Ueno found him eating alone in the cafeteria.
"She's not a monster, you know?" Ueno said as he sit down in front of him.
"Hm?" Shikota asked, still having his mouth stuffed with food.
"Sakurai. She's not that horrible and heartless"
"I beg to differ" Shikota said simply, as Ueno just looked around and motion to follow him, even though Shikota was in the middle of his lunch he opted to do so, as after all, he was a senior he should listen to.
"Look" Ueno said after around 10 minutes of walking, trying to catch his breath, Shikota followed Ueno's eyes and then he saw her; it was Sakurai, talking with an older couple.
"We did what we could" she was saying "but it was simply impossible to do anything....I'm sorry" the young doctor bowed down, lower than Shikota had seen anyone bow down before. "If you need anything there's a support group created for this type of situations" the old couple just damned the hospital and Sakurai with them. They blamed her and she took all the blame without a word, she just kept apologizing, leaving Shikota glooed to the place where he was.
As time passed Shikota couldn't shake from his head the moment of seeing Sakurai, the same doctor that had told him to choose another career if he couldn't bare the death of a child, profoundly apologizing and taking all the blame on her, even if he hated her, he knew better than blaming her solely.
As he kept walking back to PICU headquarters he was found by surprised when just when he was about to open the door widely he could listen to Sakurai's voice as she was pushing a table to the center of the room "Ok, now" she said as she handed to controllers to two of the children in the beds in front of the table. "You can't tell the rest of the doctors I did this, alright?" she said with a smile. "Oh, right!" she said as she grabbed a bag giving the kids a bunch of snacks. "Don't tell them about this either, specially to Dr. Ueno, he's always scolding me" she joked as she ruffled with the hair of the kids and told them to play the playstation she had brought on the table as she seat on a chair looking at them.
"Not that evil after all, huh?" Ueno said suddenly making Shikota jump on his seat. "I know she comes off as a cold hearted, serious woman that don't seem to care about anything but her job....and in a way, she's that, but she's also kind and sweet. After all, she's the one that created PICU."
"She..." was all Shikota could say as he was looking at her, playing and joking with kids she almost looked...nice. "what..."
"Sakurai....saw death from a very young age, and I guess you could say that, in a way....she's used to it, but she's a good kid. She has always want to save lives, to prevent what happened to her family happen to others, that's why she takes it upon herself to be the one to inform the family even if she doesn't have to, that's why she created the support group for family members...."
Relationships are never easy; they take work, time, effort...if one cares less than other, the relationship is always unsatisfying on one of the sides, but still people desperately seek relationships, it’s almost like human beings needed to be on a constant search for that relationship that romcoms tell us about, that connection that it happens so naturally, the feeling, unintentionally, that just feels….like home.
That’s something that Kitayama Hiromitsu never quite agreed with, he always thought that he was way to young (and childish) to settle down, or even to be with someone in a formal way. He couldn’t even wake up in the morning alone even with ten alarms, he just thought it was crazy to have him handle other person’s life besides his own.
His bosses and managers had kind of always been kind of thankful for him to be like that, “less problems” they’d say. He never quite thought about it, or why they’d say that, not until he met him.
Senga Kento, who was everything opposite to him, six years younger, but still way more mature than him, he had been already in a few relationships himself, always talking about how each one of them had taught him something. Every time he talked, Kitayama just stared at him and listened, it was like taking on a big wave on those summer days, early in the morning when there was no one around the beach and all he could hear were the sea crushing with the coast.
It was like being home, far from home. Kitayama still remembered how one summer he had invited him to the summer festivities of Kanagawa, as they were quite famous and Senga had spent all year studying hard for collage and working even harder for their band, he wanted to present him with some relaxation vacation, the ideal, he thought, was taking him to somewhere he had never been before, but as idols, that had been quite hard, as they had been anywhere, so he opted for the easiest option, get him to relax in the beautiful, Japanese coast of Kanagawa. Summer festivities were known all over Japan, everyone came to town to celebrate them, which made the place a bit croweded, but thankfully, Kitayama knew his hometown as the palm of his hand and he knew exactly where to go to be relaxed,...and alone.
He could remember how, as much as he refused to admit it, his heart was pounding harder and harder as the minutes along with Senga passed. Looking at him from the corner of his eye, he could have stared at that look of Senga his whole life. The relaxed, happy Senga, underneath the moonlight, the only thing giving him some color to the dark night that was ahead of them then. They didn’t talk besides the ocassional politeness, they didn’t have to, both Senga and Kitayama were confortable in the silence, and that’s something Kitayama had never had with anyone before.
“This is nice” Senga said suddenly as he was looking at the moon “The moon, the silence, the fresh air….It’s nice”
“Yeah…” was all that Kitayama could come up with, coursing himself mentally for being so basic about it. He thought he could have said something elocuent, after all Senga was always impressed with his vocabulary and eagar to always learn more from him, but he just came up with a basic “yeah”, he was too busy hating himself to even noticed that Senga had move closer, he only ever realized that once Senga put his hand on the other boy’s hand.
Kitayama simply looked up, probably looking ashtonished, and Senga simply laugh “Are you going to pretend you don’t feel the same thing than me now? After all this time together and all the “yeah”s that you gave me as you coursed yourself for being that basic?” Kitayama just smiled and hold his hand back.
The whole concept of dating was new to Kitayama, he had never been interested in anyone further than senpai-kohai or idol-fan sentiment he had had for many artists and senpais along the years, this was different, this was changing the whole method of work and the enviaroment within the band.
The KISUMAI members had no objection or issues with their relationship, even if it took months for Kitayama to actually come out and tell them, although they already knew. “We have eyes, you know?” Taisuke Fujigaya said, “And ears sadly” Miyata Toshiya added making everyone else in the room laugh.
It would have been great if that was the bigger issues they’d have to phase, but they weren’t, the issues, as two male idols who dated each other and were part of the same group were way bigger than just that.
“It’s just unfair” Kitayama said once again laying down on the wooden floor of Senga’s house. “They love to ship male idols, but the second one comes out and actually say “Yes, we’re dating” they hate it….it’s not fair, that’s….that’s…”
“Fetishizing? Yeah, most people are like that, Mitsu…” Senga said still looking at his phone screen.
“Are you even bothered by this? Aren’t you tired of this situation?” Kitayama said, sitting down and lowering his town, to which Senga just smiled and looked at him.
“You’re the one who choose to keep it a secret, I have no problem with going public” He explained “In fact we can post a picture right now and make it public if you want”.
Kitayama thought for a second, he could realize Senga was being completely serious about what he was saying. “Aaah, no, no that could ruin the fandom and our career, it could ruin the career of KISUMAI and teh boys aren’t to blame at all,...I’m just mad you know?” He said, as he slowly went back down to his laying position.
Suddenly feeling some sort of pressure on his body, he opened his eyes and saw Senga on top of him. “What?”
“Nothing, I just wanted to stare at you up close”
“Why?”
“You look cute when you’re stressed”
“Ah, shut up” Kitayama said laughing “It’s not funny you know”
“Hey, come on, I know it’s not, I know it isn’t fair...I know…” Senga said looking at him as he was sitting down next to him. “Tell you what!” Senga said suddenly, as Kitayama just stared at him “Why don’t we just go to Kanagawa?”
“To Kanagawa? Suddenly?”
“Not suddenly, we’ll have to let the boys know, probably should tell them a lie or they’d join though”
“I don’t know Gacchan….with everything that’s going on, the tour…”
“That’s exactly why we should do it” Senga jump into his arms “Come on, when will be the next time we’ll get a chance to be completely alone and the time to actually visit your hometown?” Senga said once again, knowing it wasn’t much more to convince him. “We could go to that same place….you know, the summer festival, you and I….the moon” Senga kissed the other boy next to him softly.
“You know, for being the mature one on this relationship, running away from your problems to my hometown doesn’t seem like a very adult-ish decision,…”
“I’m not running away from our problems” Senga defended himself “I’m just parking them on the right spot until we come back...Yeah? Let’s do it!” He said exitedly as he jump up and down, only to start running to his room and start packing things up. Kitayama simply looked as he was singing and packing and fell back to the floor, this time with a smile on his face. “You’re a dumbass” he whispered “but I love you”.